A few people have inadvertently made some kind of insensitive remarks to me and so I decided to write this post....This is a personal blog so this post is personal and honest...
By far the hardest part of this cancer journey for me has been when they told me that I didn't have an option, my uterus and other ovary needed to come out. This was especially hard because they had originally told me I would get to keep them so I was not at all prepared to hear this news. It's a really hard thing to hear that you will never be able to have children of your own. I know that in the past I have not been the biggest fan of children. I didn't want them for still like 5 more years....but I have always wanted them sometime. Its hard enough for me to love other people's children and I was really looking forward to having something grow inside me and give me 9 months to learn to love. There is something so special about that bond and to know that I will never get to have that now is really really hard for me. I don't like other people's kids, how am I supposed to just take someone's random baby they don't want and pretend it is my own? I know that when the time comes that it won't be like that, but right now, that is what it feels like to me.
I am not trying to make everyone feel bad for me, nor am I feeling sorry for myself. I just want to put this trial in perspective for myself and others so maybe people will understand how much certain comments hurt to hear. To have a child of your own seed is the greatest most beautiful blessing on this earth. It is the entire purpose of Heavenly Father's plan for us. And now to take away that one beautiful gift of being a woman is kind of like losing one's identity and purpose.
There are a lot of things that I will never get to experience. I will never get to send out cute "BUMP AHEAD" baby announcements. I will never get the joy and anticipation of getting an ultrasound and seeing the little alien inside me that is mine, created by ME! I will never get to know what my little children would look like with half Sterling DNA and half Kalina DNA. I won't get to be fat for 9 months or say "Oh, I'll have some more, I'm eating for two!". I'll never get to wear ugly maternity clothes or get stretch marks. When my bladder falls and I pee my pants every time I laugh I wont be able to blame my kids "I didn't have this problem till I got pregnant with you" hahaha. Oh there's a lot of super awesome things that I am really sad that I will never get to experience.
There are some things that seem like they'd be nice, like oh I won't have a period anymore, I won't have to worry about birth control, I won't get fat, but honestly I'd rather get to have all those things. You never know how great something is until you don't have it anymore. I definitely have a much more sacred understanding of motherhood than I ever did before. It makes me sorry that I was disrespectful and not very excited about having my own kids. But my trials have made me understand things that I didn't before and I have a much more mature and selfless attitude about the whole having a baby thing now.
I know though that there are so many incredible blessings in store for me. I've heard cool adoption stories and I know everyone says you love them as your own. I am sure I will believe them when I go through it, but I don't...not yet.
I hate hearing adoption stories of "yeah she couldn't have kids forever so they adopted 5 and then one day she found out she was pregnant, isn't that amazing?!" No, that is not amazing because guess what, that won't happen to me! Thanks for rubbing it in. I also hate "well you didn't really want kids anyway so now you don't have to worry about it!" Oh....lucky me. Thank you.
Just saying :) I am not negative about the situation, just a little sad, and I know that good things will come of it. I know that I need this trial for some reason or another and I know that through it I will be blessed and I will be able to bless the lives of others. I will get to give a child a loving and nurturing home when they weren't going to have that option. I am not as sad as I was at first, and I am learning to accept it. But women out there that can have kids, you be so grateful. It is an amazing blessing. I am so jealous and I never ever thought I would say that.
